Hello hello, lovely readers,
It’s been more than a while, I know.
I haven’t written anything in any form in such a long time. Longer than I usually go without writing, anyway. I haven’t had the chance to just spill my thoughts onto paper (or screen), and I feel like such a fake writer.
A few months ago, I decided I was going to shut this blog down. Then it felt like a complete betrayal to my existence to do so. So, I decided I’d leave it up, but I wouldn’t be writing here anymore.
It felt liberating, but sad at the same time. I even wrote a goodbye draft, but knowing myself, I decided not to post it because something in me told me I’d probably be back at some point.
And I am back.
Something happened this week that reawakened the writer in me and made me realize how much writing isn’t just something I do or enjoy. It is truly my number one love ❤
My friend’s phone completely shut down one day, and I got an email from her panicking at 4 a.m., letting me know she wouldn’t be available by text or phone and that we’d have to communicate through email in the meantime.
At first, we were being silly with our emails to each other (it helped that we’re both writers that really enjoyed the opportunity to show off).
There is something so lovely about opening an email and realizing someone has sat down, gathered their thoughts, and decided to share them with you. And then getting to do the same in return. We get to play with words again. We get to be a little dramatic, a little pretentious, and take our sweet time putting a thought together. And someone is actually there to receive it.
But the longer her phone takes to get fixed (Apple are being assholes), the longer we get to email. The silly jokes have slowly started to fade between our words, and this has just become our new way of talking. Which, to me, feels even better.
I cannot tell you, dear readers, how REFRESHED I feel just from corresponding with her. It has become the highlight of my days.
A couple of months ago, I read The Correspondent, and I fell in love with the main character, Sybil. Not only because of how angry and witty and unhinged she was, but also because she absolutely refused to communicate through any other form except letters. She would take phone calls sometimes, but only a couple of times a week.
Since reading that book, the thought of how “available” we’ve become to each other, and how our expectations of each other’s time and space have changed over the years, hasn’t left my mind.
We have connection 24/7. We can reach people, and be reached at any time and day. To the point where if someone is late by something like 30 minutes, our entitlement explodes. (HOW COULD THEY?!)
I keep wondering when we became so used to having access to everyone, all the time. I’m guilty of it, too. I’ve waited for replies, checked if someone was online, and made people feel bad for not responding quickly enough (because somehow, it turned into “disrespect” in our minds). And I’ve also been the person who reads a message and doesn’t have the energy to reply, only to be guilt-tripped about it later.
Why does a text message have this much power over our relationships? Why do we feel like we owe people immediate access to us, and why do we expect the same from them?
After reading The Correspondent, I decided I wanted to disconnect my 5G service. It’s not really much, but if my 5G had been disconnected for more than five minutes a few months ago, I would’ve had a complete mental breakdown. I would’ve felt like the whole world was passing me by.
Now, for 3 weeks, I’ve been going out every day with no internet. I wouldn’t receive texts or emails for hours at a time, and I can feel my anxiety slowly regulating.
And yes, It’s not like I’ve discovered something new. Digital detox had been a topic most have “raved” about. But the new thing is that I, personally, wouldn’t have been able to do this a few months ago, and now I can. So, I’m proud of myself.
And yes, I’ve missed a couple of “important” messages here and there, but I have come to the realization that nothing actually requires that much urgency. And if someone TRULY needed me, they’d just have to call, and I’d be there.
This morning, I met up with that friend. Her phone is still shut down, and I’m still going out without internet.
We agreed on a time and a place a day before and that was it. We didn’t have to share a live location or send an “I’m on my way” text, we did not have to update each other every five minutes.
We were just two people agreeing to meet and trusting that the other would show up. I don’t know why, but I find that so platonically romantic.
I got there before her and found the cafe was too crowded, I wanted to change the place but had to wait there for her to come and make the switch together.
I felt the frustration for less than a minute. I was about to ask for the WiFi password when I remembered how great this actually feels, how human. And it made me think about how something as simple as meeting a friend has become this whole thing that requires constant communication…
Anyway, I can go on for hours. Romanticizing the mundane is a specialty of mine, but-
I’m here to say I’m back, e-friends.
And would you like to correspond via emails/letters? Let me know!
XOXO
FFB
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