Groundhog Argument

Hello

This is an angry post. I think it’s a justified one. What you will think after reading this? I don’t care. (I actually do, tell me. Please.)

I just had an argument with my mother, but before I tell you about it, I’ll tell you that it reminded me of an argument I had with a friend/colleague over a month ago. Because both people threw the exact same comment in my face, like they’d coordinated it in a group chat I’m not in (which is my biggest nightmare). To them, it was a negative trait about who I am. But both times, I found myself giving the exact same answer, delivered with the same unhinged confidence.

A month ago, my friend and I were working on the same project. I’ll spare you the details, but long story short— I wanted to do something I believed in my core was necessary, and she did not… Omg, I just remembered, the exact same thing happened with a third person two weeks ago. At this point I should actually be proud of myself. Because if anything, this just tells me I’m consistent. 

Anyway, back to my friend. We had a discussion, but there were other people in the meeting room, so we were both on our best professional-adjacent behavior. The moment we left, though, the cute-y nice-y voice wore off and she started pushing back more on the idea. I still stood my ground, obviously. And the comment she threw was: “There’s no changing your mind. Once you make a decision, you make it.” My instant reaction was, “Of course there isn’t. Why would I change my mind?”

Seriously, readers, tell me, WHY?!

Here’s the thing, seriously, when I get to a decision, I don’t get there lightly. When I tell you I’m doing something, it’s after I’ve exhausted all options, after I’ve tested everything else, and after I’ve probably annoyed several people with follow-up questions. I come to a decision knowing damn well what I’m doing. I’m not playing, bro, I’m not. 

So this morning, I woke up with a decision I’d spent all week thinking about, and when I told my mother, she immediately started to push back. (???)  And the thing is— “I swear to you, gentlemen,” if she, or my friend, or my mentor had said something that MADE SENSE, I would listen. I would take it. I would gauge the situation once, twice, 3 4 5 times. I am, despite all evidence in this post, a reasonable person. 

But she didn’t. She didn’t give me one valid reason as to why I shouldn’t do what I want to do. Just vibes. And in the end, her reaction, like my friend, was, “There’s no changing your mind, you’ve always been like this.” My instant answer was, again, (although through burning tears, this time)  “Of course there’s no changing my mind, why would I change it?!” 

But here’s the thing; the third situation I just remembered was between me and my mentor, who out of all three, knows me the least as a person, and yet somehow arrived at the exact same conclusion, (please just add me to the group chat, please).

His comment was, “You’re one of the most stubborn people I’ve worked with.” and my answer was less angry that time, I actually laughed, because somehow I knew he knew why I was defending my decision. 

He asked me at the end of our session that day, “Are you at least going to think about the things I said?” and my answer was, “Yes, of course,” in the tone of someone who fully intends to think about it for four seconds. He then asked if I’d implement his comments, and my answer was: the ones I think are absolutely right, I will. The ones I don’t, I won’t. His answer was childish and funny. He said, “One day you’ll grow up and understand.” My reply was, “One day you’ll read my next draft and understand.” 

And here’s the thing, when I was implementing his comments, because he was being nice, because he understood where I was coming from; I did think about every single one of his comments. The ones I thought were right, I did. The ones I didn’t, I still tried to see from his POV. I still tested them. They were really not it. And you want to know what he thought of the new draft? I wish I could attach his voice message here, honestly, for legal proof, but basically he LOVED it. (send that to your group chat!)

All this isn’t to say that I’m always right. I’m not. (I know, shocking, please sit down.) I’m aware I’ve made terrible decisions before. I’ve defended ideas that later turned out to be bad, with the same conviction I’m defending this post right now. I’ve changed my mind plenty of times.

But here’s what I think people misunderstand about me. When I tell you I’ve made a decision, I’m not inviting you into the beginning of the process. You’re walking into the final five minutes of a conversation I’ve been having with myself for days, sometimes even weeks.

So yes, if your argument is better than mine, I’ll change my mind. I promise. Happily. But “because I think so,” “because that’s just how it is,” or “I don’t think you should”… those aren’t arguments. They’re opinions. And opinions aren’t enough to undo hours of thinking.

Maybe that’s stubbornness. Maybe it’s conviction. Maybe the difference between the two isn’t whether you change your mind, but why you change it.

I don’t know. What I do know is that I would rather make a decision after thinking it through and be wrong, than abandon it for a reason I don’t believe in, and spend the rest of my life wondering, what if I’d trusted myself?

And if you still think that’s a flaw in my personality, oh, well. 

Have a good morning, e-friends, and I’ll see you again soon!

XOXO

FFB