Not a Week for the Weak

Hey there, fellow humans,

Today feels like the perfect day to dive back into my little corner of the internet. Let’s talk about growth, shall we?

You know, I used to pride myself on being this super empathetic soul, always ready to give others the benefit of the doubt, always analyzing and trying to understand where they are coming from, even if it meant swallowing my own hurt feelings in the process. But lately, something’s shifted.

I’ve noticed a change within me – a shift from endlessly excusing others’ behaviors to finally saying, “This doesn’t work for me.” Maybe it’s the wisdom that comes with age or perhaps just the wear and tear of life experiences, but I’ve become more short-tempered, less willing to tolerate anything short of what I desire or deserve.

Now, this has been something that I’ve been working on for years and years. We always talk about setting boundaries, yes? It’s something that I should be proud of finally being able to do. But why do I hate it with every speck of my being?

I feel like I’m changing… and yes, it might be for the better, but a part of me is mourning my ol’ pal, me. I don’t want to become a person who constantly cuts ties with people who don’t match her standards, I still want to be understanding. I don’t want it to be يا طخه يا “افقع” مخه as my dear little sister would say.

Where does the line draw? Compromise, I get it, but how much? And from whom? Do we sit and find middles to meet with every person we feel is “less” than what works for us?

It’s a recurring dilemma that seems to haunt my thoughts day in and day out. This week, especially, this is the third time I find myself in this debacle. How selfish should I allow myself to be? It’s a question that gnaws at me, tugging me in different directions, leaving me feeling torn and uncertain.

At my age, one would think I’d have it all figured out by now. But the truth is, the more I grow, the more complex this issue becomes. It’s not just about making decisions solely for my own benefit or constantly sacrificing my needs for the sake of others. It’s about finding that delicate balance between self-care and still being able to care for others too.

There are moments when I feel guilty for even entertaining the idea of putting myself first, fantasizing of saying “this doesn’t concern ME, I’m out” but then this little voice inside forces my guards to retreat.

Society often paints selfishness as a negative trait, something to be avoided at all costs. Other times they praise it and ask us to embrace selfishness and only care for what WE want, no one else matters. Self-care is important, yes, VERY. Yet, even as I preach the importance of it, I can’t shake off the guilt that creeps in whenever I do something just for me. 

So, here I am again, navigating through the murky waters of self-discovery, trying to find clarity amidst the chaos of conflicting emotions.

How? Guess we’ll find out together

Have a good night/day wherever you are,

FFB