A Halloween Special (Starring My Mental Breakdown)

Hi.

I’m procrastinating. Again.

I genuinely don’t know why I do this to myself. Like, why can’t I just sit down and work like a functioning adult? Why do I have to go through the full emotional spiral every single time? The denial, the victim narrative, the “maybe I was never meant for this life” monologue? All before I finally open my laptop? Just work, bitch. It’s not that deep.

But no, it is this deep. Because lately I’ve been lazy (sorry, “burnt out”) and pretending not to be. I’ve been disorganized, unfocused, and very dramatically “disconnected from my creative self.” Which really just means I’ve been lying on my bed scrolling through TikToks (btw, shout out to all my group 7 people!) while I rot gracefully in-between meetings.

Anyway, yesterday my friend told me, “You’re doing great,” and I said, “No, I’m not.” She demanded I repeat it back, like a deranged therapist: Say it. You’re doing great.
And I just sat there like, “No, I’m not saying it. I’m not lying to myself.”

Because I know my potential. I’ve met her before; she’s amazing, terrifying, a little delusional, but she gets shit done. And this? This is not her. This is her crusty cousin who hasn’t slept in weeks and keeps scheduling meetings she forgets about.

And because of my current “state,” I somehow managed to schedule three different projects around the same exact deadline. Let me break it down:

• Nov 1: Feature film deadline. (includes a full script, a full treatment, and a “production dossier” blekh!)
• Nov 2–5: Giving a workshop. (How I’m going to act sane during these days? Passing down wisdom to those who need it? I don’t know!)
• Nov 4: Short film deadline. (includes a full script and a pitch deck.)
• Nov 3 & 5: Program director duties, because apparently I have a whole other job where I babysit fully functioning adults who have no grasp on reality. (Not all of them. But I hate them.)

It’s like I sat in my office one day and said, “Hmmm… You know what would be fun? A complete mental breakdown!”

Now my brain is fried, my enthusiasm is missing, and I can’t even organize my to-do list without wanting to cry or nap or both. And by the way, I tried. I made a full, detailed to-do list. I was so proud of myself for finally sitting down and getting it done! But then my laptop overheated, shut down, and when I opened it back up… the list was gone. What a funny little joke, universe. Ha ha. And no, I will not re-do it.

With all of this, still, some part of me whispers: you should be grateful.
And I am grateful. I’m just sooo tired, unhinged, and running purely on delusion.

So yeah. If you’re wondering what’s up with me: I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck is up with me.

But I do know this: I’m not doing great. And that’s okay. Because maybe admitting it is the only productive thing I’ve done all week. And maybe, hopefully, that’ll push me through.

And the funny thing is, I know that when October 31st hits, Halloween will begin inside my brain. My neurons will rise from the dead, put on little panic skeleton costumes, and start sprinting around screaming “SHE’S BEHIND SCHEDULE!” It’s horrifying. But I believe it’s going to be effective.

That’s the thing- I will get shit done.
But I also know that by the time that week ends, I will be absolutely, completely, undeniably fried.

It’s funny… I complain like it’s the end of the world, but deep down I know I’d hate it if it ever got quiet. Maybe chaos is my resting state (?) God help me.

But anyway! I’ll survive. I always do. Probably with a few new eye twitches and one less functioning brain cell, but still alive. And still writing. Somehow.

See you soon my lovelies! And thank you for always listening to me complain.

Xoxo

Stoopid FFB