Hello, hello!
Remember me, my dearests?
It’s been a while since I sat here and spilled my thoughts. It feels like a part of me was on hold… or maybe not on hold, exactly.
For two years, this blog was my hyper-alert observer. It kept track of how I moved through life— how I reacted to people, situations, and most importantly, to myself.
It was thrilling, honestly, to see myself through that lens, to understand things about myself in ways I never would have otherwise. But at some point, that observer leaned back. It didn’t disappear; it just decided to watch quietly for a while.
I don’t know if it was because I got busier than ever (because trust me, I have) or if I was avoiding something I got too close to. So, I did what I do best: ran. (Whoosh!)
But let’s talk about the months I’ve been away. Life’s been… good. No, great, actually. Mostly, it was career related things, since I made a mini-shift in it. A shift that, at first, felt uncertain— because change always does (BLEKH). But I’ve been forgiving with myself, patient with myself. And the industry? It’s been more than welcoming.
For that, I am right where I want to be.
And while I could sit here and list my career milestones, I won’t— because, frankly, they already take up enough space in my days, and they don’t matter as much to me as my emotional achievements do.
So, let’s talk about those instead.
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting with a new friend, someone who has only known me for a couple of months by that time but somehow became an important part of my days. It’s the kind of friendship where you skip the surface-level chatter and dive straight into the depths. They know my stories, my darkness. And yet, despite knowing all of it, they said something that hit me deep:
“I feel like you’re a happy person.”
And now, two weeks later, I still think about what they said. It crosses my mind at least once a day.
I acted cool, gave a nonchalant “I am, kid.” at the time, but inside, I froze. Because the first thought that came to mind was something Dostoevsky once said:
“I see the sun,”
I am a happy person. I really am. الحمدلله.
That, is an achievement.
“I see the sun, and if I don’t see the sun, I know it’s there. And there’s a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there.”
Life hasn’t been a dream, but somehow, it has. I feel more confident. More assured. More me. And I’ve demanded that the people in my life accept me exactly as I am. If they don’t, too bad. I owe it to myself to keep it as authentic as it can be. To fly.
“Say I’m a bird, say it.”
In the past year, I’ve been thrown into situations where I had to meet so many new people. And as much as I hate new people, I love the challenge (to a certain extent). Because now, I get to observe myself in ways I never could before. And you know what I realized?
That people-pleaser we once knew? She healed!
And in a beautiful way, too. Not in a cold, uncaring way. Not in a “screw everyone” approach. Just in a way that is sure of herself. A butterfly finally escaping the cocoon of fear of abandonment. (FOB definitely manifested in other aspects of my being, but that’s for another post).
Something shifted after my last birthday. I don’t know exactly what, but that night, alone in a hotel room, 8,314 miles away from family and friends— something clicked. I wanted to be myself.
It also helped that I was with a team that feels like a distant family, people who celebrated me, who each said a few kind words that I didn’t realize I needed to hear on my birthday. It was one of those rare, defining moments. One I won’t forget.
Since then, I’ve been choosing the person I want to be. Not just in career, but in life, in relationships, in the way I move through the world. And I think I can finally say, after two years of blogging, that I’ve achieved the goal I set when I started this:
To accept myself. To embrace my quirks, and love me as I am.
Am I 100% there? No. But 80% is a hell of a leap from 0.1%.
I owe this blog a lot. But life? Life gets the bigger credit.
It shoved me into situations where I had to grow, whether I liked it or not. It didn’t coddle me, didn’t pause for me, didn’t give me the space to rehearse. It just kept on happening. And my two options were either to keep fighting it or let it shape me. I stopped fighting. And I’m loving it.
And with that, I found myself.
I am so excited to tell you, friends, about two of the best conversations I had with two people in the past couple of weeks.
I have another session with one of those people tomorrow, and want to include it in the next post!
So see you again soon,
I promise I will try to come back at least once a week, like I used to do.
XOXO
FFB
Full-Fat Blah 
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