Monkey See Monkey Do

Hello, hello!

It’s been two weeks, but I’m baaack!

Let’s see.. what’s new? (pretends not to know what I am about to write)

Hmmm… (ok? convincing enough? let’s go!)

I recently decided to give myself a personal challenge, pushing myself to be incredibly productive over the past couple of weeks. In the process, I’ve stumbled upon a realization; one that’s both useful and perplexing. (:S)

A short while ago, I found myself drowned in self-pity and a victim mindset. I felt down and didn’t know how to get back up. This experience forced me to question my self-image. I’ve long been aware that I thrive on validation; compliments and attention are my fuel, even if I pretend to hate being in the spotlight. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me, it’s something that moves a thing inside me.

Here’s a funny short story: a few months ago, I was building Legos with my cousins. We were divided into teams, and my team included two cousins who I love dearly but aren’t very close to me. As we built, one of them said something that made me laugh and impressed me at the same time. Whenever I’d construct a respectable piece, he’d exclaim, “Wow! Good job!” and when someone new joined our team, he briefed them on our “strategy,” saying, “Oh, and whenever FFB builds something, don’t forget to cheer her on! That’s what pushes her.” It became a running joke, and my teammates cheered me on the whole time. I loved it.

Now, back to my epiphany. As some of you already know, I “lost connection” with my biggest cheerleader a couple of months ago. (mysterious, wow) Since then, I’ve felt like a zombie. The daily showers of compliments and cute nicknames vanished, and so did my motivation. (blekh, I know). but it’s ok. I went through a sort of sweet-talk withdrawal. But then I re-discovered the power of being PRODUCTIVE. and it gave me that same push and pat on the back that I craved.

(guys, I know, I know! The red flags are bright and blinding, but put on a pair of sunglasses for me, please.) 

Honestly, I am not embarrassed by thriving on validation anymore. It’s who I am, and I say I will fully embrace it. This self-awareness has allowed me to channel my need for affirmation into productive and positive actions. (That’s a good thing, no?)

Anyway, what is the challenge that FFB put herself through? I’ll tell you soon. Maybe in two months. But I’ve taken on a big project, challenging myself to handle as many tasks as I can BY MYSELF. I’m wearing at least 15 hats and loving every minute of it. The amount of productivity I’ve achieved in such a short time is something I have never done in my life, and the adrenaline rush is exhilarating. The push, the pat— it’s all back.

Today, I found myself wondering: if I hadn’t felt the lack of attention lately, would I have challenged myself like this? The answer is a resounding no.

So, that’s another thing to be grateful for! I’m learning to accept the circumstances I can’t control (and as some of you also know, I’ve struggled with control issues lately).

And ya… that’s about it. Nothing but Monkey Problem Solving. Step by step, we regain ourselves.

With love,
FFB