Oh, Hi There, Me!

Hello, dearest friends. Today I come with a revelation that might just be my favorite one thus far. Buckle up!

So… lately, I’ve been having a hard time remembering who I am, “What was I made for?” (this is a pun you will get in a minute, be patient). But it’s been feeling as though my identity has stormed out one day and left me with nothing to cling on to. I’ve been grasping at straws, searching for any shred of my true self that might still be buried underneath all the self-doubt and uncertainty.

And then, yesterday, something miraculous happened. I woke up with a song from my high school days stuck in my head – “Some Nights” by Fun. This used to be my song! One that all my friends would relate to me. And I haven’t listened to it in years. So, of course, I decided to blast it on the TV and sing passionately with Nick and annoy my little sister with my oh-so-magical voice. (ok, let’s be serious). Immediately, I was flooded with a sense of nostalgia and a sliver of connection to my former self. That passionate, carefree energy I used to have – it was as if a small part of my identity that I had lost had been rediscovered. My sister looked at me when the song finished and said, “this is such a you song” and in that moment, I got chills. Something deep within me had been awakened.

That got me thinking about the other pivotal songs that have defined important chapters in my life. When I was wrestling with the decision to pursue my artistic dreams versus the “safer” path of going to college, I would listen to “Am I Wrong?” by Nico & Vinz on repeat during my daily 20-minute drive to college. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a clear vision or anything set in concrete. I just knew that I wanted to be an artist, a free spirit – not an academic by any means. And of course, with that came the fear of letting everyone around me down. But still, I knew I didn’t want to do something that didn’t feel right to me, like constricting myself to 8-hour days for the rest of my life. And Nico & Vinz helped me through it.

I played the song again yesterday for the first time in years, and was consumed with a wave of emotions. I could vividly remember how passionately I had connected with those words, how they had given me the courage to stay true to myself even in the face of uncertainty. It was as if those old feelings and convictions had never truly left me, they had just been buried under layers of loss of direction.

And so I decided to think back to a more recent song that shakes me the way that those two have, and that is “Nightmare” by Halsey. A song that continues to empower me and remind me of “the fight” in me. And it got me thinking, authenticity has been my North Star, the thing I’ve always strived for even when it wasn’t easy.

Reflecting on these 3 songs, I noticed they share a common theme: rebellion and the desire to be true to oneself against all odds. “Some Nights” captures the internal conflict of wanting to stand out and be different, even when it feels like the world is pushing you to conform. It’s about the struggle between following your heart and succumbing to external pressures. Similarly, “Am I Wrong” is an anthem of defiance, questioning the expectations placed on us and daring to pursue our own path, even when it goes against the grain. And  “Nightmare” embodies the fierce resistance against being boxed in and the relentless pursuit of self-empowerment.

These songs all resonate with my ongoing struggle to assert my identity and defy the limitations others (and sometimes myself) try to impose on me.

It’s amazing how music (art) can capture our essence, reflect our struggles, and reignite forgotten passions. Each song, though quite similar, represents a fragment of my identity, a reminder that my true self, though has been lost lately, is still there, waiting to be rediscovered. 

It saddens me that “life” has got in my way. Insecurities, deep self-doubt and people pleasing tendencies seem to have taken over for the past couple of years. And that’s okay… it’s sad, but it’s okay. You know why? Because now, for the first time in a while, I feel this loss of identity had a purpose. This “I don’t know” theme I’ve been grappling with… today, it all makes sense. I was to be reminded of who I truly am at my core. 

Of course, this is just one part of who I truly am. Don’t forget, “I am an amalgamation of various borrowed parts”, and I love it. 

And yeah… art… psychology… humans… magic.

Stay tuned to my rediscovering my true self through my favorite movies next. I already know my favorite character and am super excited to share her with you.

xoxo

FFB