She Doesn’t Even Go Here!

Heyyo… I come with a very unsettling, upsetting and URGH topic…

Have you ever experienced a moment when someone’s casual remark felt like a punch in the gut? A seemingly harmless comment that left you struggling to keep your composure? A few days ago, I found myself in such a situation, and it brought a whirlwind of emotions I did not need. Here’s a story of how an offhand comment spiraled into a profound sense of unease and sleepless nights. (seriously, FFB? yep, unfortunately, very seriously).

I was with a group of people, some close, some not so much. I mentioned a desire to watch a new TV show and asked if anyone had seen it and recommended it. Someone, not really close, jumped in and shouted, “YOU need to watch it. YOU are ON the show.” Confused, I looked at her. (who even are you?) She said, “There’s a character that looks exactly like you. Every time she comes on screen, I go, here comes ‘FFB’.” Something inside me felt like it was about to erupt into flames. I literally couldn’t sit still; my body physically couldn’t take it. I HATE the thought that I am on someone’s mind. I hate the fact that I could be in anyone’s mind without my awareness or consent.

I went nonverbal, like I often do, and drew a fake smile while she kept talking about how often she tells OTHER people how much this actress reminds her of me. So, not only does she have me popping into her mind, she’s also inviting others to think about me too. And I just sat there, trying my best not to pull every hair out of my head.

This experience brought to light some deeply unsettling feelings for me:

The fact that others are thinking and commenting about me, without my consent or control, makes me feel a profound loss of autonomy over my own image and how I am perceived. It’s as if my identity is being discussed in ways I have no say over, and that loss of control is incredibly disconcerting. (I don’t wike it, I don’t wike it!).

Also, the idea that others are possibly frequently reminded of me and sharing these thoughts with others heightens my self-consciousness. The thought that people are making these connections and discussing them without me being present is overwhelming. Amplifying the pressure I feel about how I am perceived and makes social interactions even more fraught with anxiety.

While I might smile and nod, pretending to be okay with these comments, inside I’m battling a storm of emotions. The struggle to maintain composure, the effort to mask my true feelings, and the intense anxiety that comes with being unwillingly thrust into someone’s thoughts… WHYYYY?

Now, I am aware that there is no logic behind my argument whatsoever. I know that control I chase is unreachable, but, goddddd I wish I could erase my memory from every person’s mind. I am so uncomfortable with the idea of being recalled to an extent that I feel an itch just thinking about it. I also realize how red the flag is from where you’re standing. You can judge all you want, dear reader, but I know. I know. I am judging myself too. 

I question my sanity thinking of it. Is it my fear of “exposure” again? Is it my social anxiety? My controlling issues? I don’t know what it is, help me come up with a semi-valid explanation if you can, please. I just know I hate it with every fiber of my being. And I know I had to write about it to get it out of my system, so, thanks for reading 😀

And ya… 

How have you guys been?! 

See you again soon… (I have no idea how to close this, I am EXHAUSTED after the week I just had…)

Byyeeeee