Full Fat & a Side of Fried Brains

Hello hello!

I would like to start this post by declaring the frying of my lovely brain.

I have been writing non-stop for the past few days. When I say non-stop, I mean it. The only time I’m not writing is if I’m eating or replying to messages. Not even phone calls, messages. 

So, why am I here? 

I have reached the midpoint of my script, Page 63 (Good job, Full-fat!), and I thought I’d reward myself. Hmmm… how do I do that? Oh, I know! By more writing! I was taken aback by my decision. Why am I taking a break from writing by writing? 

Then, I justified it to myself by saying that it’s a different type of writing, here, I’m me, in my script, I’m Nour, (my protagonist), then I quickly realized that Nour is also in some way me. So, what? 

Very quickly after, I realized that I had missed myself. I missed sitting with my thoughts, which this blog helps me do. I miss reflecting on my life, evaluating me, my surroundings, friends, and family, in addition to how I treat them. I haven’t been able to that do for the past few days; my brain was flooded with Nour’s life that my own life was put on hold. So, let’s do it now.

A few days before I started this script, I had a breakdown with one of my friends. (Hi & Happy birthday). She’s one of the closest people to my heart. And my heart is pretttyyyy tight, so being in there is a very big deal. Actually, let me tweak that, my heart is super large, but the suites inside take up big spaces, they’re 5-star suites, breakfast, lunch and dinner are also included. If you live in my heart, you get access to extra special care. So, naturally, there are only a few suites available. 

Anyway! Back to my breakdown. My friend is traveling for 2 months. And that leaves a sense of unease inside of me. Separation anxiety, I tell you, is very real in my world. We tried to meet a few times in the past two weeks but it never worked out. She texted me Wednesday  “informing” me that she would be leaving Sunday morning and wants to meet. 

Now, I know we had 4 full days to make that happen, but something in me switched. Why didn’t SHE make it work before these 4 days and why should I make it work now? And for the first time in our friendship, I told her I didn’t want to see her. And for the first time, I opened up and was completely transparent about my feelings towards her. I told her how I felt under-appreciated and like less of a priority. I would talk over my breaking voice and streaming tears and then laugh out loud at the sheer absurdity of my emotions.  

After I had regained my composure, we did meet. She tried to open the subject again, but I found myself retreating, expressing how much I don’t want to discuss it. However, she went on, sharing her own feelings. It was only when she mentioned her fear of losing me, that without hesitation, I interjected, “That’s exactly how I felt!”

At that moment, I found myself expressing that I don’t have a lot of friends. And to my dismay, she responded with an answer that I hate with every speck of my being, “I’m pretty sure you have people lined up to be your friend” And without second guessing, the words spilled forth from my lips, “sure, but I chose you.”

Which took me to the 2 other people who I can wholeheartedly call my friends, and how I did, at some point use the exact same line with them. “I chose you”. What does that mean?

Am I making it hard for myself or am I making it hard for the people that “I choose”? 

I don’t have an answer for you, today, readers. I do, however, wonder… friendships, what’s the deal with that?

Tell me what you think! 

Back to my script I go… 

Xoxo

FFB