“No Promises – Blah Ward”

Hi there, friends… 

I’m writing today from a place of frustration/rage. This is an attempt to organize my thoughts… a journal entry if you will.

As you might know, I am on a mission to “heal” myself. To find my weaknesses and observe my behaviors and slowly but surely improve them. Things are going okay so far, not great but pretty good.

There’s one thing that I cannot find a way to salvage on my own, though, or without the help of a professional. 

Trust issues *insert sparkles here*

How do you change something that’s been deeply rooted in your very being since before you were able to walk? 

When I think about my trust issues… I see a gate opening in my head into a sequence of incidents that led to the position I am in today. For years, the first event I relive after I open that door has been a broken promise my parents made about buying me red shoes (I wanted to be Dorothy so bad). I see myself as an ~8 year-old child who does not believe anything her parents promise.

***Of course, a lot of other promises have been made and not met, but the incident with the red shoes was probably the first time I decided to not believe them anymore. (perhaps that is why it’s the most pressing in my memory). 

I’m not here to trash talk my parents, so I will not go into more details. I am fully aware that they are only humans who didn’t know any better raising me. However, their mishaps surely contributed to the person I am today. And trust issues… is one of the numerous consequences of my rollercoaster-y upbringing. 

Since a very young age, I have learnt to meet promises with pretending as though I’m thrilled about them and believe them (people pleaser habits) even though I’m quite aware that they won’t be kept. And even now, many years later, I continue to use that ruse. 

Here is my dilemma. I am a strong believer in the law of attraction. I firmly believe that your point of view affects your outcomes in life. Perhaps not in a superstitious manner, but in a way where your inner beliefs influence your outer behavior and your outer behavior influences your actions and your actions influence the results. 

وبطتنا بطت بطتكم

And even though in this stage of life I am not looking to still receive red shoes (unless you insist, in which case I would absolutely take them), I am looking to “receive” companionship, love, security… 

I would very much love it if I could fall freely into someone’s arms and have complete faith that no matter what, no matter how, they will stay. But no…

Up until last year, I was involved with someone for ~6 years… and I am using the word involved here because like many relationships in this modern world, we were on and off throughout. And with each attempt at being “on”, I have entered the relationship with full assumption that a day will come where my partner will leave… again. I have never felt secure and sure. I never trusted that it would go further than a year. I knew in my heart that something would come up… and he would leave. 

I felt so smart too. Like I was prepared each time. I’d thank myself for expecting it. And throughout the relationship I would actively remind myself of the possibility and feel proud of myself for gracefully accepting the fact that “all things end”. What a mature good girl! 

I claim to be a hopeless romantic who dreams of one day ending up in a happy marriage with the love of her life and finally getting her happily ever after. But when it comes to choosing a partner, I always… always… end up falling for the people I know my chances with are extremely slim. I believe I find refuge in the certainty of it not working out to avoid the uncertainty and possibly false hope that it would. (fun fact: I have used this exact line to avoid the uncertainty of a relationship recently).

Here are a few questions running through my head:

• Is it that deep down inside I feel unworthy of unconditional love?
• Is it fear of success?
• Is it self sabotage?
• Is it a way to “protect” myself from heartbreak? (it doesn’t work)
• Is it fear of abandonment?
• Is it my parent’s divorce?

I don’t know. But I will make this topic the primary issue to tackle once I can afford therapy again. Because I’m tired… I am so very tired. I want for once to believe a promise with all my heart. I crave the taste of that security.

For now, I choose the certainty of failure over the uncertainty of a slightly possible success. And let me tell you, it is NOT fun. Not to myself or to the person dealing with me.

But, nevertheless… it is what it iiis. For now.

Peace out, lovelies, and see you again soon!

FFB